Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
