You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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