Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
