My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
