My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
