So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
