I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
