That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
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He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
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I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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