I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
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Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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