i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
