sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
