I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
