Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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