I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When did angry sex become our thing?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
