He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
