I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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