I just gift wrapped bread.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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