Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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