I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
