Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
