Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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