Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
