if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
