When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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