I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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