totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
