from now on my penis is your penis
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
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So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
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I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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