True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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