so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
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are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
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So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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