i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
