I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
