i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Never joke about your clitoris.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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