girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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