now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
