peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
