I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
