I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
