I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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