After last night, I could never be a politician.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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