Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
