I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
