proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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