Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I need to calm my uterus...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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