My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
