life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
