You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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