Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
