walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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