he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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