mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Nicole vs. Life
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
