god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
