New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
