youre lurking in front of me
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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