That's intense
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
