Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
