Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
