The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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