I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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