I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
