Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
